


Jimin's Holiday PTA Wine Mixer

by heartsdesire456



Category: Figure Skating RPF, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Christmas Party, Crack, Drunkenness, Gen, Gossip, Holidays, Horny Drunks, M/M, Yuzuru The House Husband
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21962692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsdesire456/pseuds/heartsdesire456
Summary: “Hey, so I know this might not be convenient, but could you come pick up your drunk husband? I’m asking any sober partner to come get the ones drunk at my house right now.”Jonathan snickered, suddenly understanding. “Ah. I guess Jimin’s PTA Wine Mixer went well?”There was a long pause and Namjoon sighed. “I will never unhear some stuff."
Relationships: Jason Brown/Shoma Uno, Jonathan Groff/Yuzuru Hanyu, Kim Namjoon | RM/Park Jimin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	Jimin's Holiday PTA Wine Mixer

**Author's Note:**

> Another #YuzuruTheHouseHusband fic! For Christmas, I decided to fic yesterday's twitter thread about Jimin's Drunken Holiday Party and his and Yuzuru's past hoe-ing lmao.
> 
> Enjoy!

It wasn’t often that the kids were all having a sleepover with Jason and his kids, Yuzuru was out for the night at some PTA party, and he had a nice, wonderful book to settle down and read without _any_ interruptions.

And then the phone rang.

He looked at the name and frowned. “Hello? Jimin?” he asked, and it was Namjoon’s voice on the line.

“Hey, so I know this might not be convenient, but could you come pick up your drunk husband? I’m asking any sober partner to come get the ones drunk at my house right now.”

Jonathan snickered, suddenly understanding. “Ah. I guess Jimin’s PTA Wine Mixer went well?”

There was a long pause and Namjoon sighed. “I will never unhear some stuff. Listen.” Jonathan heard other voices in the distance now and he almost snorted out loud.

“HOLY SHIT, JIMIN, YOU SUCKED DEV PATEL’S DICK ONCE?!”

“No, no, Jimin was just super drunk, it was just a random hot Indian guy!”

“Wait… that wasn’t Dev Patel?”

Namjoon’s voice came back on the line. “Never. Unhear.”

Jonathan groaned. “Oh no. Poor you. Okay, I’ll come get him. I should probably get Shoma, too, since Jason has all the kids and can’t go get him if he’s been drinking.”

“Oh trust me, I never needed to know the details of his and Jason’s sex life,” Namjoon said, and Jonathan grimaced.

“Ew. Okay yeah, I’m coming now. Be there soon.”

“Please hurry,” Namjoon said before hanging up. 

Jonathan snickered to himself the whole way to get his keys and wallet, because oh he could only imagine what a house full of drunk PTA parents could be like. 

When he got there, he suddenly realized exactly what it could be like, because the first thing he heard when he walked in was, “Tell them about the time you fucked a famous baseball player, Yuzuru!” from Shoma. Yeah, Jonathan really wanted to hear about his husband’s past sexual partners.

“Oh my God his dick was almost as big as the baseball bat he plays sports with,” Yuzuru slurred and Jonathan sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Namjoon just clapped him on the shoulder sympathetically.

“I know. Trust me, I know,” he said, leading Jonathan into the living room. 

The sight that met Jonathan was both hilarious and frightening. All of Jimin and Namjoon’s friends were still hanging around for the holidays after the baby was born, so a clearly drunken Jimin was sitting in equally wasted Taehyung’s lap, petting his head like he was a puppy, Shoma had somehow changed into pajamas even though it wasn’t his house, seven of the wives from the neighborhood were in various states of lounging drunkenly around the room, and Yoongi was sitting by the fireplace, sipping a beer, and looking very devious. 

“Did I tell you guys about Joyce!” Yuzuru slurred, nearly falling off his seat before Shoma tugged him back into it. “Holy shit!”

Yoongi hummed interested. “Go on,” he said, looking far more sober than the rest of them.

“HOLY SHIT!” Yuzuru flung a hand out, smacking Shoma. “So like she orders tons of Amazon and I thought that was sad because holy shit who has that big of a shipping addiction, right?” Several of them made noises in agreement. “Well like, okay, I was out getting the mail the other day when the UPS guy came. And he got out of his truck and went _in the house_ ,” Yuzuru slurred dramatically and Jimin gasped.

“NO WAY!”

“YES!” Yuzuru laughed a loud, ugly, honking laugh. “I don’t think the Amazon is the only ‘package’ he’s been delivering, because he didn’t come out for forty-five minutes!”

“Oh wow,” Sharon said. “Shit, maybe I need to start ‘ordering from Amazon’ if it took forty-five minutes for him to do the deed,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows … and knocking one of her fake eyelashes off. 

“Zuzu, Honey, should you be gossiping about the neighbors?” Jonathan asked, and they finally noticed him there.

“JONATHAN!” Yuzuru slurred, looking excited. “Remember the time we fucked in the hot tub cause Chad was watching and we wanted to fuck with him!” 

Jonathan felt his face turning bright red. “YUZURU!”

“Oh shit, that’s kinky,” Jimin said, giggling adorably. “Oh my God, I bet he felt so inadequate! I heard he doesn’t get sex but on his birthday!”

Yuzuru nodded, smirking deviously. “Then one time Shoma and Jason fucked in our hot tub, too-“

“OH MY GOD YUZURU!” Shoma cried, shoving him weakly, but still enough to knock him out of his chair since he was so drunk, and the entire room guffawed. 

Jimin started smooshing Taehyung’s cheeks as he gave the most innocent little smile, but then said, “The way I got Namjoonie to date me is showing up at his job when he worked in a record store in a sexy outfit and saying, ‘I like you, let’s fuck’, and then blowing him in the stock room!”

Namjoon just hung his head, shaking it slowly. “I only hope they’re too drunk to remember this tomorrow,” he said heavily and Jonathan nodded in agreement. 

“WHAT UP MY PEOPLE!” Jin came strolling in, only to stop when he saw the commotion. “Oh wow, what’s this now?”

“PTA WINE MIXER!” Jimin cheered. “Jinnie-hyung, come here, we’re talking about sex!”

“Jin, don’t-“ Namjoon’s plea fell on deaf ears as Jin marched over to the wine table, took a barely touched bottle of wine, and turned it up, drinking half of it in one go.

“ALRIGHT! I need to know who’s fuckin’ who’s husband right now!” he said, then plopped himself down in Yoongi’s lap, making him grunt and slosh beer on Jin. “Please tell me somebody’s husband has a weird dick.”

“Sheila’s husband has a micropenis,” Carol offered, and Sheila gasped.

“WHO TOLD YOU?!”

“You did, silly,” Renee cackled. “At the Boozy Book Club night!”

Jonathan sighed. “Okay, Zuzu, Shoma, time to go. I’m taking you guys home-“

“But I wanna staaayyy,” Shoma pouted, leaning on Yuzuru. “This is fun, Jonathan, don’t be a party pooper!”

Yuzuru however sat up straight and his eyes darkened. “Yes. Let’s go home. Right now,” he said, jumping up and stumbling over the coffee table. He got to Jonathan and threw himself in his arms. “I wanna get in the hot tub! Babe let’s skinny dip!”

Jonathan groaned. “Goddamn it, Yuzuru, we’re too old, it’s too cold, and you’re too drunk to skinny dip. Plus Shoma is coming home with us since I’m not delivering him to a house full of all our kids like this.”

“But if I go home, I can suck my husband’s dick,” Shoma whined, pouting.

“What the fuck, why are they all horny drunks?” Namjoon asked, putting a hand over his eyes. “I swear to God, what is it about wine? Why is it always wine?”

Jin whistled. “A lot of husbands are getting lucky tonight on this street, I’m guessing.” He smirked at the ladies. “Anybody divorced?” he asked, winking, and Namjoon spluttered.

“Nope, no, nope. Party’s over, Jin, out!” He went around the room taking any remaining alcohol from them one by one and finishing it off himself. “Nope. No. All of your spouses are coming right now. I just heard two cars drive up already. In thirty minutes, I want this entire house empty. If you don’t have someone coming, I’ll call you an Uber.”

“Good,” Jimin slurred, giving Namjoon bedroom eyes. “Diminnie wants some dick-“

“No,” Namjoon said firmly.

Taehyung just cackled. “You know he’s really gone when he calls himself Diminnie!” 

Jonathan decided the fun was definitely over. “Alright, Zuzu, Shoma, come on. We’re going,” he said, grabbing Shoma’s elbow to guide him while half-carrying a clinging, horny Yuzuru who kept trying to reach down his pants but was too drunk to figure out how. “Time to go drink a loooot of water and go to bed.”

“Fuck yeah, I’m gonna rock your world, Babe,” Yuzuru slurred and Jonathan winced at how loud he was. 

“Not that kind of go to bed, Zuzu.”

“Awwww no fair!”

~

Yuzuru woke up feeling not great. He groaned as he rolled to the side of the bed, only to misjudge and fall off, yelping as he fell to the floor with a thud. “Coffee,” he moaned. “Need. Coffee.”

“Water is what you need, Zuzu, not coffee,” Jonathan said from somewhere above him. Yuzuru peeked out and whimpered at the sunlight filling the room. When he spotted Jonathan, however, he had a tall glass of water with ice and Yuzuru’s dry mouth desperately called for it. When Jonathan held it out, Yuzuru sat up and took it, gulping it down quickly. “My poor Zuzu. You haven’t had a hangover in years,” he said, and Yuzuru sighed when he finished the glass, leaning against the side of the bed tiredly.

“Jesus Christ, what was in that wine last night?” Yuzuru moaned.

“Probably vodka honestly. Jimin’s kind of a lush. Pregnancy is the longest sober streak he’s ever had,” Jonathan offered. “Do you at least remember getting home and trying your hardest to get your hand down my pants?”

Yuzuru groaned, covering his face. “Unfortunately, yes. I guess I’m a horny drunk.”

“Oh you and every single person at that party,” Jonathan said, chuckling. “I bet a lot of unsuspecting husbands got ambushed last night by horny partners.”

Yuzuru whimpered, rubbing at his head. “Oh God. I told them about my slutty past. God, they’re all going to think I’m a hoe now!”

“Trying to mount me in front of them probably didn’t help,” Jonathan offered with a teasing grin. “But hey, Babe, it’s fine,” he swore and Yuzuru looked at him skeptically. “Everybody was right where you are. Drunk as fuck.” Jonathan snickered. “I think Namjoon really wasn’t happy with Jimin and Taehyung talking about all the men Jimin fucked before him.”

Yuzuru cringed. “Oh God, how bad was my ‘I was a slut’ talking? I bet bad, huh?”

Jonathan shrugged. “Nothing I didn’t already know,” he allowed. “At least you KNEW who you slept with. Jimin apparently thought he sucked Dev Patel’s dick but it wasn’t really, it was just a random hot guy,” Jonathan offered and Yuzuru snorted, then winced when it hurt his head.

“Oh God. That’s so Jimin.” Yuzuru moaned weakly. “I’m dying, Jonathan.”

“Well, Zuzu, that’s what happens when you get super wasted,” Jonathan teased. “Also, bad news, but it’s Christmas Eve. We have tons of stuff to do before your parents arrive-“

“Oh God, no,” Yuzuru groaned, falling onto the floor with a thud. “I have to cook and clean when I feel like death!”

Jonathan chuckled and picked him up, dropping him on the bed. “You lay here and continue your slow death. I’ll go get the kids up and go pick up your family from the airport.” He leaned over to kiss his forehead and Yuzuru whimpered, pouting up at him. “Get some rest. Drink more water. I think there are still some Pedialyte ice pops in the freezer from when the triplets had the flu.

“Fuck yeah,” Yuzuru moaned, raising a weak fist in the air. “Bye, Babe. Love you. Bring me back a cheeseburger.”

Jonathan snorted, shaking his head. “Yep, you’re definitely hungover alright.”


End file.
